Saturday, August 14, 2010

A Living House

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
C.S. Lewis
I often wonder about the little things that happen in my life, some moments of happiness and at others times, of frustration and sadness. Things that are not really of much consequence to anyone else and that in few weeks time are of little or no consequence to me. But at the time that they happen they can cause extreme joy and rejoicing or a heavy heart and downcast spirit. I wonder about the reasons behind these things, nothing that God does in our lives is purposeless He is always using everything that happens to grow us in some way. Therefore each tiny little thing that happens, something that we ourselves may view as insignificant is actually of much importance to Him, we are being shaped by the circumstances around us.
In my own life it is rather difficult to see right now where exactly the Lord is leading me. I quit my job a couple moths ago, and have been at home helping my mother prepare for the wedding. Right now that is mainly what I am focusing on, but more recently I have been trying to consider more what I am going to do after my sister has left and I take on my new role as the oldest in my family. Caitlin has always been the most driven and goal -oriented of all of us. After finishing high school she started working and did online college studies getting her B.A. in History. I have been asked several times what I am going to study and pursue in my single years. Apparently our family has become known as one that seeks to be constantly pursuing and studying something. Which to some degree is true, but I really have no desire to be pursuing anything like that right now.
Okay, so someone asks about that and I respond. "So then, what are you going to do?", is the next question and right now I am not really sure of the answer. Then I start questioning myself, who am I? And what am I using my life for right now? I do not want to look back on this time in my life and see that I wasted it in any way. My desire is to be a wife and mother and to train up warriors for the King of kings, at this time that is something I am still waiting for the Lord to put in place. Many in todays society have a problem with this. Just recently we met an elderly lady at a concert, she was asking about our family and what's going on for each of us, mainly Caitlin and I since we are done with school. When she found out that Caitlin is getting married this fall, she then asked her age, after telling her a concerned look came over her face, she then turned to my dad and told him that he needed to "let the girl live a little before getting married." After she had walked away we all laughed a bit, who says you can't live after you get married! It's not like our life ends when we say "I do", rather it is beginning the calling the Lord has lead us to and putting our training to good use. But we were also saddened, this woman has been so misguided by the world into believing the lie that women who are wives and mothers are slaves that need to be liberated so that they can actually live life. Rather than seeing the beauty and glory of the highest calling that God has out in place for us.
But back to my time at home, because I have nothing in particular that I m pursing at this time, I can sometimes feel a bit lost, but at the same time I am being provided with opportunities that I would not have if I were pursuing studies or working all the time. Today I was able to do updo's for a wedding along with a friend of mine, also was able to to do some babysitting this week for someone that needed it. I am able to do the sewing for my sister's wedding and help my mother with various other details. I recently started cello lessons and can pursue excellence in that area. I have time to study things out that my father shows me from Scripture and various teachings. I would not say that I am in any way missing out on living life to it's fullest, because I am at home and in my parents will, the Lord provides more opportunities to serve, and while it can feel aimless at times, it really teaches to trust and have faith that the Lord will show me the next step in my life when I am ready for it. I do not need to have my life planned out, I can just follow Him knowing that He is shaping and building me in every little things that happen, even though I often don't understand it and find it painful. It will in the end be beautiful, because every work He does is perfect, lacking in nothing.


Daughter of the King said...

"My desire is to be a wife and mother and to train up warriors for the King of kings, at this time that is something I am still waiting for the Lord to put in place." Oh this line is exactly what my heart's desire is too; what my heart's cry is daily! I also struggle with feelings of not knowing who I am...even at 21. I wonder did I make the right decision in wanting to be a wife/mother in training instead of pursuing a College degree? I REALLY struggle with all of these feelings and's nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings, thoughts, and wanting to live a similar life that is purposed and set apart by God. I've had a lot of people criticize and rip me apart for the life choices I've Christ an His calling on my life...and it's been hard.

His Handmaiden said...

It is difficult, but you are definitely not alone. I actually tend to like being criticized to some degree, not by other believers but by the world, if they were agreeing with what I was doing I would really have to reconsider if it was the right thing.=)
It still can hurt at times though, especially if it's people that you're close to. But He gives grace...